Diary #13: Life in the Balance

I hadn't known what the term meant, it basically means the non-tangible 'spirit' of a thing inside a physical embodiment/hardware of a thing, but the two are distinctly separate and the 'spirit' thing can react unpredictably or beyond the bounds of the hardware. I always thought this was true, back from that one theory of knowledge class I took in highschool. I thought the mind-body debate was always compelling: What bodily limits could you exceed with the power of the mind? I've always believed the mind is stronger, but as I've gotten older I also understand the body impacts the mind as well. I think it's definitely something newly aging folk learn (aka. everyone hitting their 30s). For example, I can no longer go without sleeping. It feels terrible. I can no longer eat whatever the hell I want. I can no longer push myself to work harder and longer without need for recovery time. I didn't get super far in ghost of the machine. Maybe philosophical re

 How am I feeling: Overwhelmed, frustrated, tired, anxious, pressured. Why am I feeling this way? I have a lot to do and not a lot that's clear or figured out. I don't have a lot of priority or clarity. I need to be able to drop stuff. Or i can suggest something. Gonna type out my goals for thw eeeek

 What showed up for your during this meditation? - A lot of tightness in my diaphragm. I am not sure what it was about. What were you holding onto? What were you having a hard time processing, digesting, and eliminating from your space? - I think I'm holding onto a lot of tension from the last two days. There's been an increase of responsibility, which is also an opportunity, and I want to prove myself, so there's just a bit of a 'suck it up'/'man up' mode for me while tackling things I'm not comfortable with. What needed to be healed? - I'm not sure yet. But a lot of past relationships came up to explode in roses. People maybe i most want to prove myself to? What will it look like to come from a place of stillness, trust, and knowing this coming month? - It may help me look like less of a headless chicken and more of the leader aura I am trying to cultivate. 

 This week i’m trying the spoon energy budgeting thing and I ended up with -4 spoons today.  -3 spoons cuz med switching, plus late today -4 spoons after chatting w/ dmitri about delivery dest. -4 spoons after chatting w/ kevin about interviews -3 spoons for getting papers in - 3 spoons in various in convos with people tonight plus order food plus doing last min interview script That’s more like -17. so i went 5 spoons over yay. I feel that sort of tightness in my stomach that signals prolonged tension and on-going anxiety. I’m trying some deep breathing exercises to loosen it up. Tension is held in the body after all. That feels better. I didn’t really disconnect today. I did skip talking to my mentee, but today was just largely unexpected. I got an early tomorrow w/ the sears dudes.  It’s gonna be good. I’ll have them look at the two things, setup an agenda. 30 mins portfolio chat, 30 mins PM chat. I don’t think we can even think about split orders today.  It’ll be interview, sync up

 I’m a little stuck on a comment a PM of mine made on  a design. Where I asked whether or not I shoudl use infinite scroll and my PM said, “The user need should come first,” to which i said, “yes, but sometimes how it’s implemented can impact how items show up.” In that moment I felt defensive.  Later on, the thought occured to me, maybe he thinks i’m pretentious or not savvy. And i thought ot myself, why do i have to be so combative. I did speak up with the intention of defending myself, but maybe combative is not the right word. I will be mindful of my mood in the future though. I was definitely feeling my limbic system go off. And then after my last meeting, doug was saying he would ping sam for what I thought was a kind of unreasonably low cost. I wanted to say “you idiot, he’ll just say no!”  And I didn’t say it, but i felt frustrated by what had happened. I walked away from my computer to calm down and puzzle out my feelings. I wasn’t upset by what doug had done, but I was stuck

I was talking to my design coworker about the convo i had w/ the front end eng.  I said i would setup a slack group for cross team communications. I had feelings of anxiety and uncertainty. I had thoughts like "I'm afraid to waste people's time with the wrong group. But i had run it by the group so I also had the thought I have to do this now." Then my coworker said all the front end engineers had to mee tup to talk things through. I thought she was talking about the slack group so I made the slack group more specific. I thought she was critiquing my choice of slack, and I already have feelings of anxiety because I thought there might be a godo chance I was doing it wrong and going to annoy someone mistakenly by looping them into things they don't need to be in. We spoke a bit more about how a videochat with everyone woudl be the right way to go. I agreed, but I still felt uncertain. I had thoughts like "something doesn't feel like it's adding up...an