Diary #13: Life in the Balance

I saw a psychic yesterday and have been fairly bummed out about what she told me. Ultimately, nothing is set in stone, but I can't help but feel like relationships will be a frustration of mine for a long time and I feel like I have to come to terms with it, which I am resisting. Ultimately, though, no matter what people say, I still have my own mind, my own fate, my own life. What do other people know about me and what it is I can do? If I want to find the love of my life I can make it happen. If I want kids, I can make it happen. Apparently I will have the finances to make it all happen and I know myself better than I am willing to admit. I am more powerful than I am willing to admit, so there. Maybe this will be the fire under my butt to make my dreams come true. I'm mentally scattered, possibly pre-pmsing. My mid-cycle moods were STRONG this time, so my PMS may also be STRONG this time. It is about 2 weeks out so I think this is typically when I start to feel something...

During bulk cooking today I felt like I had a really great conversation about how I chat, how I negotiate...or...don’t. In the background of all my conversations is a fear of letting someone down and then getting frustrated that they’ve put me in this position. I forecast and anticipate a lot of what it is they want from me. And very accurately, she pointed out it appears a lot when I have to say ‘no.’ Then instead of giving a response that drives any action, I talk about how it makes me feel and talk about my circumstance. Not what I want or what I can do. I just explain. (IF) If I notice I am explaining my circumstance or when I am battling myself on a decision. (THEN) I will check if I can I put out words that drives an action? (ELSE) If not, then check if I driving for perfection? Am I too focused on forecasting what someone is thinking or feeling? Or do I just need more information?

I need a new place to braindump. While on the plane back from portland, I was thinking about how I’m looking for a balance in restoration and pushing myself forward. It’s not easy to be going both forward and back, or perhaps it’s a bit of pushing forward with the things that bring me a sense of restoration. I’m not sure which it is, but I am going to discover that. While I was away in Portland I was talking to my mom about the things that stress me out and it is unique to have family listen to your stress cuz you know they take it on like their own suffering, if not more so, and when you get their support it feels to me like I have the world’s support. Even with friends, I feel alone. Everyone has their own life they’re more committed to make happen. Family is the only one that will assist you as they would assist themselves. So what do I mean by balance anyway? I’m still exploring this thought, but for the most part I think i’m looking for something that centers and recharges me...