Diary #13: Life in the Balance

I'm so pooped today. I think I lack some sleep. But I also feel kind of sad and low. Work is exhausting I think. Plus Im bummed out by the idea of Kenny having a kid. I guess I kinda hoped they weren't all that happy but I guess a kid is all he wants and they seem to be happy so. Meh??? I am trying to tell myself that it's all good and that it just means he was always looking for something different. I think I feel that being true. I feel he was ... Always looking for what he had in someone else. I feel like he actually knew me pretty well, but hmm he wanted to me to he something else. I was also thinking about how Kenny sticks in my mind I think cuz he made me insecure like Zack did. They both made me feel like I'm not enough. And not sure about Austen. I don't think he did. He worried me like yoon. Too naive, too hearts for me to trust with with the honest truth because they don't know their boundaries in relstionships either. (That might not be true bu...

Today I noticed... I really do have obsessive thoughts. And I only noticed it cuz I noticed today that ... They don't obsess like they used to. It's ...easier to let them go. They just kinda stop. And I'm like. Eh. I'll worry about that later. The ''doom and gloom" feeling or scratchy squirrel anxious thinking are recognizable and easier to put away. Maybe not all always, maybe not right away, but it's becoming more effortless. Like wow. It's hard not to think... What life could be. What could be different if I was like this earlier in my life. What could have been. But well. I am where I am.

I really want to do a public comic blog titled 'this time last year' that scrapes from past journal entries. But in looking at some of them I'm like... oh my. I just read an old post i wrote about andy. So this itme... 5 years ago. It was not healthy. Yikes.

I had a dream that I was at some place and Austen was at the same place. He was sitting with his back towards me with two other people. I knew it was him from the back of his head. His hair had gotten longer and I looked at him wondering why he wasn't noticing me. I didn't try to get his attention, but I just looked on at the back of his head sadly. I'm glad that in my dream, I didn't try to pursue him. Feeling sad, to me, means I'm accepting what is and I can let go. I realize that however hard I fight to pretend things haven't changed and reject what happiness and bliss he must feel, the more it hurts me. The more I hold on to some idea that it's personal. As I grant myself freedom to be, I also need to accept others as they are and be at peace with them being whoever they are, however they are, and however they're not. I know there's no one-wayed acceptance. It's got to be for me and for all to be real. Knowing this has given me a meas...

I had a weird realization, I'm terrified of seeing a grown man cry. Especially my dad. We had a heart to heart about his regrets and fears and it terrified me. I was so uncomfortable and even though I could see his pain, I was scared and even disturbed at the idea of trying to console him or have him show any more love to me. Something about it makes my skin crawl. It makes me wonder if this also ties to my fears of intimacy, being emotionally depended on. Having to validate others and...save them?