Let it be

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I had a dream that I was at some place and Austen was at the same place. He was sitting with his back towards me with two other people. I knew it was him from the back of his head. His hair had gotten longer and I looked at him wondering why he wasn't noticing me.
I didn't try to get his attention, but I just looked on at the back of his head sadly.

I'm glad that in my dream, I didn't try to pursue him. Feeling sad, to me, means I'm accepting what is and I can let go.

I realize that however hard I fight to pretend things haven't changed and reject what happiness and bliss he must feel, the more it hurts me. The more I hold on to some idea that it's personal. As I grant myself freedom to be, I also need to accept others as they are and be at peace with them being whoever they are, however they are, and however they're not.

I know there's no one-wayed acceptance. It's got to be for me and for all to be real. Knowing this has given me a measure of peace.

_____

I've also been having this thought that, I need to trust my feelings, but at the same time, I can shape them. In terms of relationships, if i'm bored, I think I can change it because it's me that's bored, not necessarily the person. There are limits. It can't always be forced, and I may not be ready to compromise or want to, and I have to know when it's okay to, when it's not okay to.

My exes, the last few, have all taught me a lot. They've taught me forgiveness, acceptance, sorrow, and letting go.

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