Diary #13: Life in the Balance

I had a chat w/ a friend last night who is one of the most optimistic and positive people I know. She reminds me so much of young me. Everything is blossoming for her and there's potential everywhere. I think I'm passed that point somehow. I think I'm hitting a point of feeling senior, feeling like you've seen it all, and feeling like there's no more magic. I've seen the patterns over and over and I am not optimistic about change, nor do I want the responsibility to shoulder that burden. But after our chat yesterday it was like getting touch with my self and cultivating that space to dream again with someoen who is a big dreamer, but also one who can put actions to her dreams. I thought that was kind of wonderful. I think I never really pursued what I wanted, I just see the gaps between the dream and the reality I know, but I wouldn't say I've ever given my dreams a true true shot. I haven't recklessly pursued jobs with all my heart and gotten bu...

For a long time I'd always hoped there's be a turning point in my life where everything snapped into place. Like... how at 14 Luna shows up for Usagi, how in the animorphs they come across a blue alien that gives them powers, how peter parker gets bitten by a radioactive spider, how Bella moves to Forks and runs into Edward. Somewhere in my mid-twenties, I stopped expecting one big magical moment to transform me into the person I was always meant to be. But in my career and life pursuits, I never stopped hoping for that one transformative moment. Even now, a specific thought I was having was wishing I could find that one mentor that unlocks my potential as a designer. Someone who understands me, and understands how I think. But it hit me tonight that maybe that responsibility is on me. Sure, there can be better or worser teachers, but how much more empowering would it be to know how to teach myself the way I want to. And how unstoppable would I be if I knew how to put mys...

TLDR: It's like doing a trust fall over and over again with a 50% catch rate. Overwatch is a team sport game. You're thrown into a random group of 6 and expected to work together with no communication. (I mean you can but no one does). Every game goes roughly like this "Our DPS SUCKS!" "Where are the healers" "What is rein doing???" And it's really hard not to feel butthurt when your team loses over and over. I think overwatch hurts because you go in trusting your healers to heal, your tanks to protect, and your dps to elminate your enemies. But without communication, all different expectations leads to a fragmented experience of constnatly broken trust and expectations. Overwatch is a game of constant heart-break and that's why the salt is high.

I appreciate all the smaller flavoring garnishes in life rn. Sour cream Parmesean cheese Spring onions (?) Garlic Cumin Chocolate Avocado (?) Just a little bit of these these things...esp the dairy based ones. Can make a meal.

I usually write a post when I'm feeling particularly bad or confused. But today I don't feel particularly anything. I'm still mid quarantine. Work starts in a week instead of tomorrow. I'm on a bit of a drawing binge. I do feel like I have the freedom and time to create things. I also feel like i'm falling out of order, but it's also fine? Like order is just a man made concept and there's nothing wrong with not doing things to everyone else's timelines as long as you are able to keep your commitments. I dunno, it's an interesting time. A weird time. i find msyelf wishing just a little that this time will run a little longer. This time to have completely to myself is kind of nice esp cuz everyone is in the same boat. I guess i don't mind being alone as much as I care about being left out. As long as I fit in i guess? Part of my gut wants to do something impressive and inspiring in this time. But just for the sake of being impressive. Wha...

So I'm down to the last few interviews. No guarantees i will get accepted by all of them. I might only be left with one decision.

Today I signed a formal offer with Pepsi! I haven't given the other companies the let down yet and I am extremely nervous about doing so, but after much agonizing I've decided what I know deep down I already want. I have lots of retros and reflections I want to do from my experience. I want to remember stuff and I want to share some of these thoughts. Namely: 1. Doing a retro. What went well, didn't go so well 2. What each step of the interview process is REALLY about. I had to learn to take the test. 3. Reminder of my goals, so I don't forget. 4. Oh and to do the zine. Also on a fun note i start on 4/20