Diary #13: Life in the Balance

 Today I'm feeling just a little anxious, sad? depressive, tired. I feel suffocated by my own fatigue. It makes me feel claustrophobic and a little panicky.  Maybe I'm bored out o fmy mind? But i'm also tired. I spent the last week freaking out about jojo so it's not improbable that i'm still adjusting back. I go from panic -> high anxiety -> grumpy -> depressive/anxious. My body might jsut be in total withdrawal. Blergh. But being 6 weeks pregnant i think also is adding a level of fatigue. It is so weird to say, I haven't really told people and it feels strange strange strange. I feel like nothing has changed, but like everything is also different.

 Haven't blogged in a hot sec. I feel like I should circle back cuz I feel the need to talk things outloud and I wish writing it down gave me the same relief.  I do think writing it down is great for documenting?

 So turns out i have PMDD, i don't really know what to think about it besides all my irritability making more sense. Eh.

I hadn't known what the term meant, it basically means the non-tangible 'spirit' of a thing inside a physical embodiment/hardware of a thing, but the two are distinctly separate and the 'spirit' thing can react unpredictably or beyond the bounds of the hardware. I always thought this was true, back from that one theory of knowledge class I took in highschool. I thought the mind-body debate was always compelling: What bodily limits could you exceed with the power of the mind? I've always believed the mind is stronger, but as I've gotten older I also understand the body impacts the mind as well. I think it's definitely something newly aging folk learn (aka. everyone hitting their 30s). For example, I can no longer go without sleeping. It feels terrible. I can no longer eat whatever the hell I want. I can no longer push myself to work harder and longer without need for recovery time. I didn't get super far in ghost of the machine. Maybe philosophical re...

 How am I feeling: Overwhelmed, frustrated, tired, anxious, pressured. Why am I feeling this way? I have a lot to do and not a lot that's clear or figured out. I don't have a lot of priority or clarity. I need to be able to drop stuff. Or i can suggest something. Gonna type out my goals for thw eeeek

 What showed up for your during this meditation? - A lot of tightness in my diaphragm. I am not sure what it was about. What were you holding onto? What were you having a hard time processing, digesting, and eliminating from your space? - I think I'm holding onto a lot of tension from the last two days. There's been an increase of responsibility, which is also an opportunity, and I want to prove myself, so there's just a bit of a 'suck it up'/'man up' mode for me while tackling things I'm not comfortable with. What needed to be healed? - I'm not sure yet. But a lot of past relationships came up to explode in roses. People maybe i most want to prove myself to? What will it look like to come from a place of stillness, trust, and knowing this coming month? - It may help me look like less of a headless chicken and more of the leader aura I am trying to cultivate. 

 This week i’m trying the spoon energy budgeting thing and I ended up with -4 spoons today.  -3 spoons cuz med switching, plus late today -4 spoons after chatting w/ dmitri about delivery dest. -4 spoons after chatting w/ kevin about interviews -3 spoons for getting papers in - 3 spoons in various in convos with people tonight plus order food plus doing last min interview script That’s more like -17. so i went 5 spoons over yay. I feel that sort of tightness in my stomach that signals prolonged tension and on-going anxiety. I’m trying some deep breathing exercises to loosen it up. Tension is held in the body after all. That feels better. I didn’t really disconnect today. I did skip talking to my mentee, but today was just largely unexpected. I got an early tomorrow w/ the sears dudes.  It’s gonna be good. I’ll have them look at the two things, setup an agenda. 30 mins portfolio chat, 30 mins PM chat. I don’t think we can even think about split orders today.  It’ll be...

 I’m a little stuck on a comment a PM of mine made on  a design. Where I asked whether or not I shoudl use infinite scroll and my PM said, “The user need should come first,” to which i said, “yes, but sometimes how it’s implemented can impact how items show up.” In that moment I felt defensive.  Later on, the thought occured to me, maybe he thinks i’m pretentious or not savvy. And i thought ot myself, why do i have to be so combative. I did speak up with the intention of defending myself, but maybe combative is not the right word. I will be mindful of my mood in the future though. I was definitely feeling my limbic system go off. And then after my last meeting, doug was saying he would ping sam for what I thought was a kind of unreasonably low cost. I wanted to say “you idiot, he’ll just say no!”  And I didn’t say it, but i felt frustrated by what had happened. I walked away from my computer to calm down and puzzle out my feelings. I wasn’t upset by what doug had don...

I was talking to my design coworker about the convo i had w/ the front end eng.  I said i would setup a slack group for cross team communications. I had feelings of anxiety and uncertainty. I had thoughts like "I'm afraid to waste people's time with the wrong group. But i had run it by the group so I also had the thought I have to do this now." Then my coworker said all the front end engineers had to mee tup to talk things through. I thought she was talking about the slack group so I made the slack group more specific. I thought she was critiquing my choice of slack, and I already have feelings of anxiety because I thought there might be a godo chance I was doing it wrong and going to annoy someone mistakenly by looping them into things they don't need to be in. We spoke a bit more about how a videochat with everyone woudl be the right way to go. I agreed, but I still felt uncertain. I had thoughts like "something doesn't feel like it's adding up...an...

Today I was told by my manager that another designer wanted to handle some of my work. I felt confused and concerned and said to him that I wasn't sure where that was coming from. We had had a conversation about checking in with each other, or so I thought, but nothing about sharing work. So I asked the other designer about it, and he said he had offered to help streamline some of my work. I feel annoyed by this and confused. And scared of holding work back. I had the thought, I don't want to be accused of holding back work, or even accurately identified as being fearful of having work taken away from me. I had feelings of being trapped and scared. I told him to give me a minute to think about it. I wasn't able to look at the work in its entirety because I dont' have access to the admin page yet. I sat down and asked myself, where is there complexity i'm unsure of so far, and I idnetified this one page that had more questions. And I told him he could go ahead since ...

This happens to me fairly often. My first thought was...god damn this podcast distracted me! I felt angry and I had the thought of putting the blame on the pod cast or my friend who shared it with me. Then I felt guilty. I had the thought, what a terrible friend I'd be. But I still had the feelings of anger burning in me. It's the calendar app, I thought. It's terribly designed. WHY do peopel use this?? I began to feel heat in my face and I started tinkering in the preferences. I fantasized about yelling to my teammates that if they were going to make me use this application I could not be held accountable for responding due to it's poor design. I also thought about what the heck I should say to my teammates. My first thoguht was to apologize and explain myself. But I also thought jumpign in with an apology may not be the best way to start. I heard myself and though, these thoughts are probably not reasonable and maybe it's good to test the neutralizing exercise wit...

This JTBD done framework is great for kicking off brand new cross-team complex projects.

I had a chat w/ a friend last night who is one of the most optimistic and positive people I know. She reminds me so much of young me. Everything is blossoming for her and there's potential everywhere. I think I'm passed that point somehow. I think I'm hitting a point of feeling senior, feeling like you've seen it all, and feeling like there's no more magic. I've seen the patterns over and over and I am not optimistic about change, nor do I want the responsibility to shoulder that burden. But after our chat yesterday it was like getting touch with my self and cultivating that space to dream again with someoen who is a big dreamer, but also one who can put actions to her dreams. I thought that was kind of wonderful. I think I never really pursued what I wanted, I just see the gaps between the dream and the reality I know, but I wouldn't say I've ever given my dreams a true true shot. I haven't recklessly pursued jobs with all my heart and gotten bu...

For a long time I'd always hoped there's be a turning point in my life where everything snapped into place. Like... how at 14 Luna shows up for Usagi, how in the animorphs they come across a blue alien that gives them powers, how peter parker gets bitten by a radioactive spider, how Bella moves to Forks and runs into Edward. Somewhere in my mid-twenties, I stopped expecting one big magical moment to transform me into the person I was always meant to be. But in my career and life pursuits, I never stopped hoping for that one transformative moment. Even now, a specific thought I was having was wishing I could find that one mentor that unlocks my potential as a designer. Someone who understands me, and understands how I think. But it hit me tonight that maybe that responsibility is on me. Sure, there can be better or worser teachers, but how much more empowering would it be to know how to teach myself the way I want to. And how unstoppable would I be if I knew how to put mys...

TLDR: It's like doing a trust fall over and over again with a 50% catch rate. Overwatch is a team sport game. You're thrown into a random group of 6 and expected to work together with no communication. (I mean you can but no one does). Every game goes roughly like this "Our DPS SUCKS!" "Where are the healers" "What is rein doing???" And it's really hard not to feel butthurt when your team loses over and over. I think overwatch hurts because you go in trusting your healers to heal, your tanks to protect, and your dps to elminate your enemies. But without communication, all different expectations leads to a fragmented experience of constnatly broken trust and expectations. Overwatch is a game of constant heart-break and that's why the salt is high.

I appreciate all the smaller flavoring garnishes in life rn. Sour cream Parmesean cheese Spring onions (?) Garlic Cumin Chocolate Avocado (?) Just a little bit of these these things...esp the dairy based ones. Can make a meal.

I usually write a post when I'm feeling particularly bad or confused. But today I don't feel particularly anything. I'm still mid quarantine. Work starts in a week instead of tomorrow. I'm on a bit of a drawing binge. I do feel like I have the freedom and time to create things. I also feel like i'm falling out of order, but it's also fine? Like order is just a man made concept and there's nothing wrong with not doing things to everyone else's timelines as long as you are able to keep your commitments. I dunno, it's an interesting time. A weird time. i find msyelf wishing just a little that this time will run a little longer. This time to have completely to myself is kind of nice esp cuz everyone is in the same boat. I guess i don't mind being alone as much as I care about being left out. As long as I fit in i guess? Part of my gut wants to do something impressive and inspiring in this time. But just for the sake of being impressive. Wha...

So I'm down to the last few interviews. No guarantees i will get accepted by all of them. I might only be left with one decision.

Today I signed a formal offer with Pepsi! I haven't given the other companies the let down yet and I am extremely nervous about doing so, but after much agonizing I've decided what I know deep down I already want. I have lots of retros and reflections I want to do from my experience. I want to remember stuff and I want to share some of these thoughts. Namely: 1. Doing a retro. What went well, didn't go so well 2. What each step of the interview process is REALLY about. I had to learn to take the test. 3. Reminder of my goals, so I don't forget. 4. Oh and to do the zine. Also on a fun note i start on 4/20

Applying for a job has been pretty stressful. I really need wins to feel good. I’ve been feeling lost and rejected. I don’t know if it’s cuz I’m not finding matches or what. I’m working hard to keep myself thinking positive though. Proper preparation is helpful. I think i’m starting to get a better idea of where I fit also. My goals keep changing...not drastically. But I have my senior level goals, but I don’t think i’m quite there yet, so maybe it is time for a high mid and really grow into senior by the end of the year cuz now I’m clearer about what that entails.  I really really hope i land somewhere stable liek amazon for a while and just grow. I want to go somewhere safe to grow for a while. I don’t know where though. I worry on some level I’m not good enough for anywhere, but ... I suppose that cannot be true? I can do this for 2 more months. And then I think i should be good.... but also given corona virus, maybe it’ll be a little longer. I want to find a good...