Relationship journaling

Description:
I started seeing my therapist again (yay!) I like her alot. And this is her homework for me:

Reflect on relationships. Describe the:
begining middle end
Also any: typical moments defining moments vivid memories

Beginning:
It's usually the honeymoon phase. It's new and exciting and I have a rush of emotions. I kind of think, 'this could be it' but I also kind of freak out and brace myself for anxiety the moment the feelings fall through.

It used to just be a honeymoon phase that lasted about 4 months. Now it lasts maximally 2 weeks.

Middle: A long time ago, the middle was after the honeymoon phase. The magic is gone, we're more comfortable, but part of me is wondering if this is it. Now the high feelings are gone, is this it?
Now I pretty much break up after the honeymoon phase is gone because all i'm left with is crushing anxiety. The longest relationship I've had now is 3 months long since anxiety became a thing. Average about 1-3 months.

End: When it ends, I'm usually in a fairly low well of deep depression. I'm overwhelmed by guilt and I only let myself leave because I've stopped eating. I usually don't have a moment in my mind that isn't racing and so the break up is a moment of relief.

Some vivid moments are:
The rush in the beginning. Feeling giddy and so into the person. There's a lot of physical contact in the beginning and wanting to be closer and not feeling close enough.

Also a general feeling this person is wonderful.

I also remember the first moment my feelings start to falter. I starts as a little knot in my mind that i notice then I spend a long time mentally fixating on it, and thinking and thinking and thinking. I can't seem to let it go. In my heart of hearts somewhere, I think to myself, this is it. And at the same time in my mind a strong and powerful reprimand comes in and tells me that I'm being crazy. And the battle in my mind begins of something being 'not good enough' and a 'who are you to think this.'

I remember the feelings of guilt. My heart is so heavy, the doom is so present. I can't bring myself to say it, but I can't also keep pretending like this sadness and resignation isn't weighing on my heart. They're so happy and I'm just trying to not drag them down.

Sometimes I tell them what's on my mind, and they accept it and say that it's totally normal. But I am not reassured. They don't know what I mean, they don't see what I see and there's a deeper truth I can't reveal because I can't quite find the reason, but somewhere I want to say, they're not enough for me...and yet, I don't want to let them go or let them down.

I often find a happy medium of being neither here nor there. Our relationship is in limbo and suddenly I feel safe. I feel affectionate again. I feel free to be myself without any pressure or expectations.