Getting some sleep definitely helped. I felt a lot less emotionally beat up. I still wasn’t feeling good, i still have moments of doubt and disempowerment, but on the whole, a lot better.
I’m currently noodling back and forth on what it is I feel with Austen vs Yoon. Austen is now this like...happy free guy. It didn’t bother me AT ALL before when he was happy. Now I feel like it’s like... he’s so happy without me. Something digging more into feeling unwanted. Like his life is better without me when before knowing this, it was... just what it was. Now, like with Kenny, i can’t stop being ragingly jealous at the idea of him being happy with someone else. I feel this way a bit towards friends as well.
Is it abandonment fears? I am just so jealous and afraid. I’m trying to access the feeling now, but I can’t. What is this stab of jealousy? What’s behind the jealousy? Why don’t I want them to be happy? Why do I feel better if they’re sad? I don’t want...anyone to be better than me. I want to be the best.
In that case, is Alex just feeding my ego or is there something more? I’m scared i’ll Hit ‘ego fulfilled’ and then be like. ‘Meh, i’m Done, this is too much more energy to put into.’
Well, I’m sure it’ll come to me. I’m gonna get ready for bed, let the sadness roll and understand it slowwwly.
Other things that remind me of the sadness. Jaina’s sadness, that whole thing where she’s beating herself up and can’t forgive herself is relatable.
Then catra’s young self feeling sad she’s not good enough.
I did see Kenny look sad lately...and it made me concerned. And happy. I am always hoping his shit falls apart, but i think if it really did, I’d be sad. I don’t actually want him to be sad I just want to feel less unlovable and not chosen over. And like there can’t be someone better than me :(.
I just want to be the best. Whatever that means. I just want to feel like I have worth and that I am someone worth loving. And that no matter what happens, who else happens, that I am still special and love able and not suddenly like...
I suppose i do believe that ppl decide what they want based off what they don’t want. So when ppl find the one they want to be with after me, I feel like it means I’m the one they didn’t want to be with. I lacked x/y/z to be truly worthwhile. Or like, u find the one by finding a lot of not-the-ones and this person is just like nothing you’ve ever met and your world perspective is shifted. I get so pained at the idea of being nothing now. I am never going to be special or anything in this person’s eyes. Someone I want affection from now seems me as nothing. I’m just...not wanted and not good enough.
I’m currently noodling back and forth on what it is I feel with Austen vs Yoon. Austen is now this like...happy free guy. It didn’t bother me AT ALL before when he was happy. Now I feel like it’s like... he’s so happy without me. Something digging more into feeling unwanted. Like his life is better without me when before knowing this, it was... just what it was. Now, like with Kenny, i can’t stop being ragingly jealous at the idea of him being happy with someone else. I feel this way a bit towards friends as well.
Is it abandonment fears? I am just so jealous and afraid. I’m trying to access the feeling now, but I can’t. What is this stab of jealousy? What’s behind the jealousy? Why don’t I want them to be happy? Why do I feel better if they’re sad? I don’t want...anyone to be better than me. I want to be the best.
In that case, is Alex just feeding my ego or is there something more? I’m scared i’ll Hit ‘ego fulfilled’ and then be like. ‘Meh, i’m Done, this is too much more energy to put into.’
Well, I’m sure it’ll come to me. I’m gonna get ready for bed, let the sadness roll and understand it slowwwly.
Other things that remind me of the sadness. Jaina’s sadness, that whole thing where she’s beating herself up and can’t forgive herself is relatable.
Then catra’s young self feeling sad she’s not good enough.
I did see Kenny look sad lately...and it made me concerned. And happy. I am always hoping his shit falls apart, but i think if it really did, I’d be sad. I don’t actually want him to be sad I just want to feel less unlovable and not chosen over. And like there can’t be someone better than me :(.
I just want to be the best. Whatever that means. I just want to feel like I have worth and that I am someone worth loving. And that no matter what happens, who else happens, that I am still special and love able and not suddenly like...
I suppose i do believe that ppl decide what they want based off what they don’t want. So when ppl find the one they want to be with after me, I feel like it means I’m the one they didn’t want to be with. I lacked x/y/z to be truly worthwhile. Or like, u find the one by finding a lot of not-the-ones and this person is just like nothing you’ve ever met and your world perspective is shifted. I get so pained at the idea of being nothing now. I am never going to be special or anything in this person’s eyes. Someone I want affection from now seems me as nothing. I’m just...not wanted and not good enough.
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