Update
It's been a spell since i've blogged. Most recently I've been very burnt out from traveling, work, and ex-boyfriends. I've spent a lot of this past week potato-ing/recovering/gaming/sleeping.
And I am finally starting to feel restored. Phew.
Some tasks left on my to do is finish applying for google. harrrrrr.
And getting back into my routine. I will probably go to the gym tomorrow cuz I feel fat and slopping. My ankle is doing a lot better today though. I really want to run, I feel kinda chunky and gross.
I also am starting up my facial care again. My face has been breaking out. I'm coming around to self care i think.
I'm also starting to read up on self-compassion. I have a work book that I'm finally starting to go through. I think I learned a lot from my recent encounter with an ex. My anxiety definitely spiked up, which frustrates me still, but I also got some clarity in terms of what I want and why this relationship wouldn't work.
I think until I feel grounded in who I am and can love who I am in my worst state, when I'm overwhelmed and scared, and pessimistic, and codependent, the other person just shares the same darkness as my doubts.
I need to believe in myself and love myself so that I won't be second guessing myself in a relationship, or so quickly put the other person before my needs. I'm looking for something with mutual respect. I think just today I was thinking about how I'm not interested in the honeymoon phase anymore. I used to crave just the honeymoon phase, but now I think I want whatever is past that. I want to find someone that I'm not going to be bored by and someone whom I still want to hangout with all the time. Someone that fills my chest with lightness and not the heavy dread of forever. Unfortunately, I think I am just looking for something VERY specific so it's going to be hard to find. And no one else is going to be someone I deem that worthy.
I can't just make things work. It has to feel right.
Recently I did something where I was able to tell myself 'this isn't a big deal' though even now I don't remember what it is. I just remember the knots in my chest coming undone.
My mind is prone to running into panic/overwhelm also. I think that requires a little exposure therapy and retraining. And some self-love to combat the guilt I feel about being disappointing about how I'm not a good enough partner.
Thoughts.
Okay I should bed.
And I am finally starting to feel restored. Phew.
Some tasks left on my to do is finish applying for google. harrrrrr.
And getting back into my routine. I will probably go to the gym tomorrow cuz I feel fat and slopping. My ankle is doing a lot better today though. I really want to run, I feel kinda chunky and gross.
I also am starting up my facial care again. My face has been breaking out. I'm coming around to self care i think.
I'm also starting to read up on self-compassion. I have a work book that I'm finally starting to go through. I think I learned a lot from my recent encounter with an ex. My anxiety definitely spiked up, which frustrates me still, but I also got some clarity in terms of what I want and why this relationship wouldn't work.
I think until I feel grounded in who I am and can love who I am in my worst state, when I'm overwhelmed and scared, and pessimistic, and codependent, the other person just shares the same darkness as my doubts.
I need to believe in myself and love myself so that I won't be second guessing myself in a relationship, or so quickly put the other person before my needs. I'm looking for something with mutual respect. I think just today I was thinking about how I'm not interested in the honeymoon phase anymore. I used to crave just the honeymoon phase, but now I think I want whatever is past that. I want to find someone that I'm not going to be bored by and someone whom I still want to hangout with all the time. Someone that fills my chest with lightness and not the heavy dread of forever. Unfortunately, I think I am just looking for something VERY specific so it's going to be hard to find. And no one else is going to be someone I deem that worthy.
I can't just make things work. It has to feel right.
Recently I did something where I was able to tell myself 'this isn't a big deal' though even now I don't remember what it is. I just remember the knots in my chest coming undone.
My mind is prone to running into panic/overwhelm also. I think that requires a little exposure therapy and retraining. And some self-love to combat the guilt I feel about being disappointing about how I'm not a good enough partner.
Thoughts.
Okay I should bed.
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