Depression lies

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Yesterday I was explaining to Alex the fear and doubts I have about what we're doing. I feel like I am on this new path and that is great, but when things start to feel more serious, there's this whisper that says to me, that all this is a lie and it's only a matter of time before I fall back into my real self. The one that is afraid, impulsive, and the one that says this isn't enough. This feeling here is supposed to be more it's supposed to be so strong it drives certainty. It's supposed to feel right.

It doesn't feel wrong, I can honestly say it feels... okay? It's not a SURGING no or  SURGING yes, which is usually how I feel about things.

Instead I feel...neutral. When I can pull back, I can see the situation is...neutral. It's a situation of uncertain times with real challenges up ahead. Possible heartbreak also. I'm very afraid to fully have feelings and I'm afraid of raising the stakes too much, but there is SOME emotional space between the fear and the curiosity. Enough so that... within a few weeks I am able to explore this and search for the underlying pain.

I am so afraid of being a disappointment. That's how I still perceive myself to be. The story is still so rooted into who I see myself as. I am aware of it, but it still hasn't clicked as not real yet.

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