UGH

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I've been having a lot of ex-encounters lately. A lot of dealing with them having moved on while I have arguably not. And I get so angry that they are seemly so happy. One with a kid, one going to see each other's parents and joking about getting married. I selfishly want them to still see me as someone special and it kind of hurts me, and I KNOW it's unfair an I KNOW it was me who didn't see a future.

But my mind can't help but be like, what if I was wrong? And also, wouldn't it be nice to be held by someone that I'm actually attracted to right now? Wouldn't it be nice if it could work? Wouldn't it be nice if this moment could last forever? What if this comfort could balm out my loneliness forever?

The feelings for exes I guess never really go away entirely until you have someone new to place it in. Perhaps I do need a rebound of sorts that isn't an ex. BLEGH.

It's fine it happens, but I hate having the reminder in my face.

___

It's the level of seriousness that hurts me for some reason. It's an intense jealousy. I think i felt this way when steve started dating jenn huang. It was a burnign stabbing jealousy of being chosen over. I know, in this case, it isn't that way. It wasn't true with kenny and it's not true with austen, but WHY does it feel like it!?

It stabs kinda strongly, so it's definitely something more. It's not just me being sad that that option is out. I just don't want people moving on from me so easily and so completely. Like i'm so forgettable and not THE MOST LOVEABLE. Haha... i guess i want to be so loved, but I'm also terrified of it.

Ugh I'm cool if it's just with one person. I just want an epic love.
And perhaps a part of me is mourning the end of something that is probably never going to be. I just don't want the reminders everyone is moved on and happy and that my time with them... and what I meant to them and what's special about me is now nullified. I haven't had to deal with an ex and their new SOs. I am not good with that. This is where I could never be poly. Or this is where I could be super poly?

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