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What is that balance?

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I need a new place to braindump. While on the plane back from portland, I was thinking about how I’m looking for a balance in restoration and pushing myself forward. It’s not easy to be going both forward and back, or perhaps it’s a bit of pushing forward with the things that bring me a sense of restoration. I’m not sure which it is, but I am going to discover that. While I was away in Portland I was talking to my mom about the things that stress me out and it is unique to have family listen to your stress cuz you know they take it on like their own suffering, if not more so, and when you get their support it feels to me like I have the world’s support. Even with friends, I feel alone. Everyone has their own life they’re more committed to make happen. Family is the only one that will assist you as they would assist themselves. So what do I mean by balance anyway? I’m still exploring this thought, but for the most part I think i’m looking for something that centers and recharges me...
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Relationship journaling

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Descript ion: I started seeing my therapist again (yay!) I like her alot. And this is her homework for me: Reflect on relationships. Describe the: begining middle end Also any: typical moments defining moments vivid memories Beginning: It's usually the honeymoon phase. It's new and exciting and I have a rush of emotions. I kind of think, 'this could be it' but I also kind of freak out and brace myself for anxiety the moment the feelings fall through. It used to just be a honeymoon phase that lasted about 4 months. Now it lasts maximally 2 weeks. Middle: A long time ago, the middle was after the honeymoon phase. The magic is gone, we're more comfortable, but part of me is wondering if this is it. Now the high feelings are gone, is this it? Now I pretty much break up after the honeymoon phase is gone because all i'm left with is crushing anxiety. The longest relationship I've had now is 3 months long since anxiety became a thing. Average about 1-...
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Getting some sleep definitely helped. I felt a lot less emotionally beat up. I still wasn’t feeling good, i still have moments of doubt and disempowerment, but on the whole, a lot better. I’m currently noodling back and forth on what it is I feel with Austen vs Yoon. Austen is now this like...happy free guy. It didn’t bother me AT ALL before when he was happy. Now I feel like it’s like...  he’s so happy without me. Something digging more into feeling unwanted. Like his life is better without me when before knowing this, it was... just what it was. Now, like with Kenny, i can’t stop being ragingly jealous at the idea of him being happy with someone else. I feel this way a bit towards friends as well. Is it abandonment fears? I am just so jealous and afraid. I’m trying to access the feeling now, but I can’t. What is this stab of jealousy? What’s behind the jealousy? Why don’t I want them to be happy? Why do I feel better if they’re sad? I don’t want...anyone to be better than me...
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