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Applying for a job has been pretty stressful. I really need wins to feel good. I’ve been feeling lost and rejected. I don’t know if it’s cuz I’m not finding matches or what. I’m working hard to keep myself thinking positive though.
Proper preparation is helpful. I think i’m starting to get a better idea of where I fit also. My goals keep changing...not drastically. But I have my senior level goals, but I don’t think i’m quite there yet, so maybe it is time for a high mid and really grow into senior by the end of the year cuz now I’m clearer about what that entails. 

I really really hope i land somewhere stable liek amazon for a while and just grow. I want to go somewhere safe to grow for a while. I don’t know where though.

I worry on some level I’m not good enough for anywhere, but ... I suppose that cannot be true? I can do this for 2 more months. And then I think i should be good.... but also given corona virus, maybe it’ll be a little longer.

I want to find a good match. I am probably over thinking it too. I wanna find a place that makes sense. Mleep. Mlerp. Mloop. Mew.

I’m not sure if I’m learning anything anymore. I’m just plowing through shit at this point. Nothing is really... sticking, why is that?


If I need to stay in, be quarantined and interview for 6 months, I suppose I can do that too. I’m not getting many bites, but I think I can shift it so I can. I am close. I am pretty close now I think. But my design skills admittedly aren’t quite there yet and my dealing w/ ambiguity is not there either.
But i mean. I would like to just... not do bs work. I can do great work, but not on the spot and I have to want to.
Do i want to spend my time tricking myself into wanting something? No. I want to be challenged. I am highly adaptive. I am notn good at being the change I want to see.
And I want good people around me that is always going to be true..

How I’m feeling. Lost. Tired. Hopeful and hopeless at the same time. It changes w/ my interview process. I try to keep perspective that I am good enough and that I am trying to find a good fit. 

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