Diary #13: Life in the Balance

It's a little weird that I noticed twice that I'm like a character in the jodi picoult book. Turns out she was molested as a child in the book, so I'm like oh that makes more sense. But the intensity and how much I relate to it i think just indicates... the bad boundaries, deep levels of self-hate sort of thing. Why am I so unkind to myself. Do I not feel no spark with alex cuz of all the pressure and fear around it or is it just cuz it's him? Is it both? is it who I am now? I want to knowww... Parts of me want to be free but a part of me is so sad at the idea. I feel so ... bad about it. :<. It doesn't feel totally right either. It just feels... like nothing would really change. Well i'd feel less pressure but my happiness levels wouldn't change. I'd feel free for a bit but i think it's only a matter of time before I run into the same problem. Or i can try to find someone who i'm irrationally attracted to???? When that would ever happe...

Random thought. People don't buy a product just for the functional product. They also buy it for the lifestyle. If it's not function it investment. It's a projected lifestyle. I was thinking this about a boats magazine. There's probably a while complex world of expertise, knowledge, fun, challenge, community. Oh the power of marketing. It's not just being hip and pretty. Or making you feel less than you are, it's about putting you in a world you wish you belonged in. It makes me think of how something like CrossFit is so successful.

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I don't like it when someone protects someone else over me.

Over the past 2-3 weeks, I’ve had to do something I haven’t done in a year, User Interviews! I remember loving them, feeling in my element questioning people about their lives and being able to—nay, encouraged, to ask them why, why, why. When they were first scheduled, I was anxious as heck. It’s not like I hadn’t done them before, but I forget people make me anxious, making a good impression makes me super self conscious, and knowing at the same time I’d have to dig insights out of people for my work made me feel ever so slightly insincere. I told my my manager I was walking around with a constant silent scream in my head. It was hard for me to focus to my daily tasks when I had an interview looming ahead. The first interview was a blur, but I’d spent the whole time trying to understand the interviewer and panicking about having too much time left over. My first week was continually punctured with anxiety and anticipation. But after the 4th interview, I felt, comfortable again....

Today I'm cravvy. I'm fixating on relationships. If I'm doing the right thing. Doubt sits with me. How much of you is okay to exist. How much of you is too much? The warning alarms in my head are so hard to ignore. What did I say about you? Doubt leaves me feeling dread. It makes me anxious and depressed. Specifically in relationships. but also other areas. None of it is that bad. So mebbe make a note. But no fuss?

I'm so pooped today. I think I lack some sleep. But I also feel kind of sad and low. Work is exhausting I think. Plus Im bummed out by the idea of Kenny having a kid. I guess I kinda hoped they weren't all that happy but I guess a kid is all he wants and they seem to be happy so. Meh??? I am trying to tell myself that it's all good and that it just means he was always looking for something different. I think I feel that being true. I feel he was ... Always looking for what he had in someone else. I feel like he actually knew me pretty well, but hmm he wanted to me to he something else. I was also thinking about how Kenny sticks in my mind I think cuz he made me insecure like Zack did. They both made me feel like I'm not enough. And not sure about Austen. I don't think he did. He worried me like yoon. Too naive, too hearts for me to trust with with the honest truth because they don't know their boundaries in relstionships either. (That might not be true bu...