Glimmers of tree jamie
So yesterday, I had a day of clarity. I had one glorious day where feeling sad was okay and I could sit with discomfort and I knew what it is I wanted. And I felt like, I deserved it. It was crazy. I was a different person for a little while. And I want to get back to that. Curious compassion. I’d spent several days just sitting w/ myself. I’m not as eager to do that with anxiety. I can feel myself pushing it away, seeking distraction, trying to keep busy.
But underneath it is the same tired sadness. I feel less lonely and unwanted, but I am pretty worried about the situation with Alex. He mentioned he mentioned that if he had to explain him self to his roommates he’d say we’re seeing each other a bit and seeing if we can be together. I think the labeling of it all kinda put me back into a fearful state of expectations.
What does he expect of me now?
Will I disappoint him. These are hard old fears of mine. I haven’t been able to give them a name or understand its origin, and it is harder to be with these emotions. I have to fight the urge to jump out of my seat. It’s a feeling like i’m being tickled out of my own skin and I can’t sit inside myself a minute longer. Like I’m just going to explode. But the harder I run away from the feeling, the STRONGER that feelings gets.
I also just don’t know how things will pan out. I have a nagging/obsessive feeling that it’s not going to end well because i’m in the middle of a bunch of ex-meltdowns. I have made it clear I just want to get to know him, see if there’s a chance. So we’re not together, we’re just chatting, I want to see what everyday is like, complete with anxiety cuz that is what it’s gonna be for me. And I want to see if I can navigate these waters without compromising myself and without feeling this overwhelming need to please.
I think i just have a feeling it’s not gonna work out and I’m afraid that if I feel that way already now, then it’s going to be true and it’s kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy. I just wish I could know and have that in the background, but I guess u just never know. And a readiness needs to live within me. I’m going to practice embracing the fear.
Damn it I MISS being able to feel myself past my fears and sorrows. It did take like 4 days of being sad to feel thru them for 1 day.
So what I remember from my deeper self/aka tree Jamie, I did acknowledge that the chances of this panning out into a relationship is just kinda hard to say. I’m still at the point I just want to know if this is someone I’m attracted to. I think i am. And it’s someone i feel safe around. I like his wit. I need to know if I trust him and trust myself. And from there, see again if my emotions are there too. And then even if I feel a honeymoon phase, do i see a compatible future.
It snowballs very fast, but for firsties, definitely just want to see if I can feel love again. For myself too. Actually that’s probably secondies. First is, can I deal with the overwhelm and fear of the IDEA of finding love again? And compassion for myself.
But underneath it is the same tired sadness. I feel less lonely and unwanted, but I am pretty worried about the situation with Alex. He mentioned he mentioned that if he had to explain him self to his roommates he’d say we’re seeing each other a bit and seeing if we can be together. I think the labeling of it all kinda put me back into a fearful state of expectations.
What does he expect of me now?
Will I disappoint him. These are hard old fears of mine. I haven’t been able to give them a name or understand its origin, and it is harder to be with these emotions. I have to fight the urge to jump out of my seat. It’s a feeling like i’m being tickled out of my own skin and I can’t sit inside myself a minute longer. Like I’m just going to explode. But the harder I run away from the feeling, the STRONGER that feelings gets.
I also just don’t know how things will pan out. I have a nagging/obsessive feeling that it’s not going to end well because i’m in the middle of a bunch of ex-meltdowns. I have made it clear I just want to get to know him, see if there’s a chance. So we’re not together, we’re just chatting, I want to see what everyday is like, complete with anxiety cuz that is what it’s gonna be for me. And I want to see if I can navigate these waters without compromising myself and without feeling this overwhelming need to please.
I think i just have a feeling it’s not gonna work out and I’m afraid that if I feel that way already now, then it’s going to be true and it’s kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy. I just wish I could know and have that in the background, but I guess u just never know. And a readiness needs to live within me. I’m going to practice embracing the fear.
Damn it I MISS being able to feel myself past my fears and sorrows. It did take like 4 days of being sad to feel thru them for 1 day.
So what I remember from my deeper self/aka tree Jamie, I did acknowledge that the chances of this panning out into a relationship is just kinda hard to say. I’m still at the point I just want to know if this is someone I’m attracted to. I think i am. And it’s someone i feel safe around. I like his wit. I need to know if I trust him and trust myself. And from there, see again if my emotions are there too. And then even if I feel a honeymoon phase, do i see a compatible future.
It snowballs very fast, but for firsties, definitely just want to see if I can feel love again. For myself too. Actually that’s probably secondies. First is, can I deal with the overwhelm and fear of the IDEA of finding love again? And compassion for myself.
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