Neutral processing the slack conversation

I was talking to my design coworker about the convo i had w/ the front end eng. 

I said i would setup a slack group for cross team communications. I had feelings of anxiety and uncertainty. I had thoughts like "I'm afraid to waste people's time with the wrong group. But i had run it by the group so I also had the thought I have to do this now."

Then my coworker said all the front end engineers had to mee tup to talk things through. I thought she was talking about the slack group so I made the slack group more specific. I thought she was critiquing my choice of slack, and I already have feelings of anxiety because I thought there might be a godo chance I was doing it wrong and going to annoy someone mistakenly by looping them into things they don't need to be in.

We spoke a bit more about how a videochat with everyone woudl be the right way to go. I agreed, but I still felt uncertain. I had thoughts like "something doesn't feel like it's adding up...and also AHHH what am i doing wrong already?" as well as "won't the devs get mad that we're setting up a meeting for them? isn't this totally out of our jurisdiction??" but I also had thoughts like "come on, show some spine. this is what leadership looks like. This is why you are perceived as weak, because you can't push people to do things you want to do." 

So while I agreed, eventually I said that I wanted the group to stay small so I could talk about admin components. I felt some feelings of vindication in saying it. My coworker responded with "feel free to remove" and I responded with "i'll remove them after the vid meeting." 

I felt feelings of annoyed giving in. I thought, well she is right about having to meet up to clarify stuff. I'm not fully blocked on my end. I can keep going, but on a higher level I have a lot of question marks. Even if it's not my jurisdiction, I think it would be helpful for me to know. And then I felt guilty and ashamed. I knew that on some level I had reacted more to my internal state than what my coworker was saying. Some of what she was doing did make me feel confused and annoyed, but it's been a few hours and I still feel heightened emotions.

I don't know if I should apologize, or how I was taken. I feel resistance. My mind doesn't want to admit any wrong doing because I think it will continue to label me as annoying and unreliable, and like when I get mad i shouldn't be heard. I don't want to be brushed off. I want to be heard.

Ugh. but i suppose being heard also means communciating around what is being said mor ethan what i'm making things mean. wewewehwehwehweh.