Diary #13: Life in the Balance

Yesterday I was explaining to Alex the fear and doubts I have about what we're doing. I feel like I am on this new path and that is great, but when things start to feel more serious, there's this whisper that says to me, that all this is a lie and it's only a matter of time before I fall back into my real self. The one that is afraid, impulsive, and the one that says this isn't enough. This feeling here is supposed to be more it's supposed to be so strong it drives certainty. It's supposed to feel right. It doesn't feel wrong, I can honestly say it feels... okay? It's not a SURGING no or  SURGING yes, which is usually how I feel about things. Instead I feel...neutral. When I can pull back, I can see the situation is...neutral. It's a situation of uncertain times with real challenges up ahead. Possible heartbreak also. I'm very afraid to fully have feelings and I'm afraid of raising the stakes too much, but there is SOME emotional space b...

Getting some sleep definitely helped. I felt a lot less emotionally beat up. I still wasn’t feeling good, i still have moments of doubt and disempowerment, but on the whole, a lot better. I’m currently noodling back and forth on what it is I feel with Austen vs Yoon. Austen is now this like...happy free guy. It didn’t bother me AT ALL before when he was happy. Now I feel like it’s like...  he’s so happy without me. Something digging more into feeling unwanted. Like his life is better without me when before knowing this, it was... just what it was. Now, like with Kenny, i can’t stop being ragingly jealous at the idea of him being happy with someone else. I feel this way a bit towards friends as well. Is it abandonment fears? I am just so jealous and afraid. I’m trying to access the feeling now, but I can’t. What is this stab of jealousy? What’s behind the jealousy? Why don’t I want them to be happy? Why do I feel better if they’re sad? I don’t want...anyone to be better than me...

So yesterday, I had a day of clarity. I had one glorious day where feeling sad was okay and I could sit with discomfort and I knew what it is I wanted. And I felt like, I deserved it. It was crazy. I was a different person for a little while. And I want to get back to that. Curious compassion. I’d spent several days just sitting w/ myself. I’m not as eager to do that with anxiety. I can feel myself pushing it away, seeking distraction, trying to keep busy. But underneath it is the same tired sadness. I feel less lonely and unwanted, but I am pretty worried about the situation with Alex. He mentioned he mentioned that if he had to explain  him self to his roommates he’d say we’re seeing each other a bit and seeing if we can be together. I think the labeling of it all kinda put me back into a fearful state of expectations. What does he expect of me now? Will I disappoint him. These are hard old fears of mine. I haven’t been able to give them a name or understand its origin, and i...

I've been having a lot of ex-encounters lately. A lot of dealing with them having moved on while I have arguably not. And I get so angry that they are seemly so happy. One with a kid, one going to see each other's parents and joking about getting married. I selfishly want them to still see me as someone special and it kind of hurts me, and I KNOW it's unfair an I KNOW it was me who didn't see a future. But my mind can't help but be like, what if I was wrong? And also, wouldn't it be nice to be held by someone that I'm actually attracted to right now? Wouldn't it be nice if it could work? Wouldn't it be nice if this moment could last forever? What if this comfort could balm out my loneliness forever? The feelings for exes I guess never really go away entirely until you have someone new to place it in. Perhaps I do need a rebound of sorts that isn't an ex. BLEGH. It's fine it happens, but I hate having the reminder in my face. __...